Productivity Hacks From Successful Early Birds

early bird with worms

Photo by Brocken Inaglory at

Hey, have you heard this, “The early bird gets the worm”? Today’s post is all about productivity and how we can squeeze every ounce out of our day. But there’s more, you’ll also learn about opportunistic animals and how you too can avoid the pitfalls of certain unlucky critters and potentially turn your life around for the better!

Productivity Hack

Lifehack once posted an article called The First Thing Successful People Do Every Day, which did indeed reveal a number of things successful people do the first thing in the morning. The list of successful people included Starbucks’ CEO, Apple’s CEO, Benjamin Franklin, and Mark Twain—arguably all very productive people. On a personal note, the first thing I usually do in the morning is open my eyes and hit the snooze button, but that probably explains why I’m not very successful. But let’s get on with the story. To sum up the blog post, the famous people mentioned did the following every morning: checked email, did something good, did something difficult, learned something, and planned.

I’m all about streamlining and simplifying, so I believe we can further reduce everything on the list to: follow a daily routine. Right? Everyone mentioned in the article seemed to have created their own daily habits, ones that they liked doing or were challenged by or wanted to get out of the way. And it seems like these successful people were all being or attempting to be productive in one way or another. However, one person didn’t have an extremely productive routine as he liked to greet people at work, but it was, in his estimation, “good for team building”. Thus and therefore, are you still with me, after streamlining the entire article we can come to a very enlightening conclusion: Successful people follow a productive routine in the morning. Aha!

Routine will help you live the dream


Photo courtesy kalilapinto and Pixabay

I knew it! I knew there was something special that successful people were doing that I wasn’t doing and there it is! Boom! Routine! So this is what we must glean from this article to apply to our daily lives: To be successful at anything we must develop a productive morning routine! I’m sure most of us follow the same routine every morning, but unlike the successful people mentioned in the article, a lot of us just get up and go through the motions. I know I struggle to do anything in the morning. In fact, getting out of bed is the hardest thing for me to do each and every day. Seriously. So if I’m up, that’s a huge win for me.

But perhaps to be successful I need to get up a bit earlier, go to sleep a bit earlier, and try to develop a productive morning routine—like say write for an hour or do yoga or play the bass. That all sounds great, but as I said, I’m not a morning person, I’d rather do those things in the evening after I come home from work. Maybe that’s where I’m failing, I’m not taking advantage of the morning when there are no distractions, when my mind is clear, and when the air is crisp and clean, and early birds are eating early worms. On that note, it’s interesting that Chinese people say it this way, “the early bird catches the worm, but the early worm gets eaten.” In other words, don’t be an early worm. Which is very thought provoking, they look at it from the worm’s perspective. Very interesting! And that got me thinking, no one really followed that early bird to see what happened to it. Hmm.

Off track with early birds


Photo courtesy ianwakefield1967 and Pixabay

Maybe the afternoon hawk eats the early bird and flies off to feed its young. Hours later the afternoon hawk gets shot and carved up by the evening hunter. I bet that hawk probably tasted pretty good with a belly full of early bird! And then the evening hunter gets drunk and trips over a rock that the midnight bear left out! Think about that! The drunk falls down and cracks his head wide open. There’s blood and beer everywhere, I mean it’s horrific! The bear gingerly approaches its prey, takes a whiff of the drunk, and immediately decides not to eat him because he reeks of alcohol. Disappointed, the bear wanders off and takes a nap. It wakes up a few hours later and is ferociously hungry and decides to jaunt over to a fast flowing river to look for a fishy snack. Sure enough, he spots a pre-dawn fish doing what pre-dawn fish normally do: mate.


Photo courtesy werner22brigitte and Pixabay

Imagine trying to spawn and spread your seed in the wee hours of the morning and then this huge hairy pachyderm (That’s Latin for bigass thick-skinned beast, which technically describes elephants, hippopotami, and such) comes up and rips you away from your mating ritual—I mean, that would suck! As the sun just peaks up, the fish and the bear have an epic battle and edge closer to a massive waterfall and they tumble head over heels and fins and paws down the waterfall and…Boom! They succumb to gravity and wetness and waterfallery and wash up on the side of the river.

That’s not all! Now imagine being woken up by a thunderous wave produced by a huge bear falling over a waterfall! Not a good way to start the day. But if you’re a worm, you’re an opportunist, so you go after that bear, don’t you? The pre-dawn worm gets the bear and maybe even a fish. After pigging out, the worm gets fat and slow and just wants to lounge around, basking in the sun and enjoying life. Bammo! That early bird swoops down and good-bye worm! Makes you think doesn’t it?

There’s an adage for everything

And frankly, that just goes to show there’s an old adage for everything, but let’s circle back to morning productivity and routine. Both the early worm and the early bird were also following a routine. However, it wasn’t very productive for the worm (or the early bird). That’s why it’s so critical to be productive in the morning or else you’ll end up like that worm. Wait, if that worm wasn’t productive, it wouldn’t have been eaten. Yet if that bird wasn’t productive, it wouldn’t have found a delicious meal. So maybe the deeper concept here is: are you a worm or a bird? Neither. Ok, I’m drunk! Where were we? Right, success first thing in the morning. Ok, point blank, do you want to be successful? If so, some successful people, according to the article, have found success by following a productive routine in the morning. So perhaps we should all try it out and see what happens, but don’t blame me if you get eaten by a bird or by a bigass bear!

Hillel Groovatti is the author of the short fiction collection entitled Totally Losing Face and Other Stories.

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Who the hell named the Honey Badger


Image courtesy Wikimedia Commons and Jaganath

Hey, have you heard this term “Centigrade”? I was talking to a Chinese person the other day, in English, and I mentioned “Celsius”. The person seemed confused at first, then corrected me with “Centigrade”. So I looked it up. Turns out the man who created the Celsius scale is actually named “Celsius”. His temperature invention dates back to 1742 and was initially called “Centigrade”. In 1985 the world decided to honor the man by changing the name of his temperature scale. Thus, the term “Celsius” became more widely used then “Centigrade” in the West. Apparently, the Chinese haven’t received the email yet.

Can you name any other famous inventions named after inventors

I guess it’s good that Mr. Celsius’s name wasn’t Shitasaurus. And that got me thinking, did Crapper really invent the crapper? Turns out he didn’t. However, he worked in the plumbing industry and did invent the flushing toilet and the ballcock, which we now refer to as the float in the toilet. And he invented the manhole cover. I find the two latter terms rather lacking imagination. I assume he just looked in his pants for inspiration concerning both terms. With “manhole” was he trying to imply that men have large holes that smell like sewers? I haven’t smelled any manholes except my own and well, okay, he has a point. Let’s move on.

So what other inventions are named after their inventors? We have gore-tex invented by Bill Gore. The Jacuzzi invented by Candido Jacuzzi. And the Zamboni coined by Frank Zamboni. I didn’t see many women on the list. The only ones with recognizably female names were Amelia Bloomer (She wasn’t the inventor), Anna Pavlova (She wasn’t the inventor either), and Mae West who respectively gave their names to a type of dress, a dessert, and a life preserver (Mae didn’t invent it, but people felt buxom when they wore it, hence the name). Why aren’t females equally represented on the list? Perhaps there are fewer female inventors or perhaps women aren’t vain enough to want to name an invention after themselves?

What’s the most important invention invented by women

This site lists 18 important inventions made by women. The most shocking of them all is—beer! Yes, this site claims that Mesopotamian women, not men, invented beer. Genius! Beer is quite possibly the only reason men get up and out of the house each and every day. Without it, where would we be today? Thank you, fine ladies of Mesopotamia for your tasty beverage!

What other items are named after people

We have cocktails named after people as well as food. That’s where Margaritas, nachos, and Tootsie rolls got their monikers. I didn’t see Harvey Wallbanger on any list so I looked up the drink. Turns out it may or may not be named after a real person. I’ve personally never had one before because the name of the drink kind of scares me: I’m afraid that I might hit a lot of things after drinking one!

Interestingly, John Montagu did, in fact, invent the sandwich, and yes, his title was the Earl of Sandwich at the time of creating his edible delight. According to Wikipedia, he was the 4th Earl of Sandwich and a well-known gambler who used to order sandwiches while betting on cards.

Stars in the sky are also named after famous people, as well as many bands. Oddly, many animals are named after famous people. That got me thinking. Were some people originally called “horse” and “platypus” and they named these creatures after themselves? Were most animals named after people and we just didn’t keep track? Like was there a Joe Aardvark who one day discovered that animal, gave it his name, and then disappeared in the manhole of history? Additionally, I wonder if some animal in the past was originally named after somebody like the Viscount of Pigdom or the Duke of Cuckoldry and then the animal’s name subsequently changed because it was not popular? I couldn’t find any information on that, but granted, I didn’t look very hard as I was consuming far too much of the modern variant of Mesopotamian brew to conduct research for this article.

Read the rest at

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Badass Breaking Bad Sequel


Series Premiere Title: “Don’t Get Mad, Call Chad”


Hillel Groovatti

*Spoiler alert, please watch the original Breaking Bad series before reading this!

Scene 1

Las Vegas, Nevada, present day, late evening.

On a warm, clear night, an empty suburban street appears. Stars are out as far as the eye can see. A gentle desert breeze blows. It is very peaceful, until¾¾¾ZOOM! A massive stretch limo comes barreling down the street and runs a flashing red light. The limo takes a corner hard and loses a hubcap as loud music blares out of the limo.

Scene 2

Cut to a huge suburban apartment complex with nicely manicured lawns, a swimming pool, barbecue pits, and a volleyball court.

A dog barks in the distance as TV screens glow in the numerous rows of windows. An SUV pulls up; a beautiful pair of legs gets out of the vehicle and walks up a concrete pathway. The woman’s red high-heel shoes sparkle as she walks. She is a statuesque blonde with very, very long legs.

The woman ascends an outdoor staircase that overlooks a large swimming pool. In the background the bright casino lights of Las Vegas glow in the distance.

The woman enters an apartment, which is a modest two-bedroom place, sparsely decorated. A pair of hairy legs with dirty white socks is resting on a cluttered coffee table; a man is watching a movie. A scene from the movie Jaws is playing on screen, “We’re gonna need a bigger boat,” says the Roy Scheider character Martin Brody.

WOMAN: Hey honey.

The woman closes the door, tosses her bag and keys on a chair near the entrance, and squeezes the man’s toes as she walks by.

The man is smoking a bong. He holds up his hand and waves hello as he inhales a hit of weed.

Scene 3

The limo continues racing through the streets. It’s going 70mph in a 45mph zone. The driver grips the wheel tightly as he negotiates another turn.

Scene 4

Back at the apartment, the woman goes into the kitchen and begins pouring herself a cocktail. In the background, the man is cutting a line of coke on the coffee table in the living room.

The camera only shows the back of the man’s head; he is wearing a beanie. He carefully cuts a line of coke onto the glass-covered coffee table.

WOMAN: (To the man) So this new redheaded dancer, Jane, I think I told you about her before, the biggest fucking klutz! She ran into me today during practice and I fell down almost breaking my fucking neck, the stupid cow!

The woman kicks off her shoes and they fly into the corner of the kitchen.

WOMAN: (Yelling) We are wearing ten-inch heels! You can’t fucking run into people, learn the fucking routine already!

She opens the fridge and puts ice into her drink. She takes off her dress and tosses it over a chair.

WOMAN: (Continues) She was like, “Oh, I’m so sorry.” I bet she fucking did it on purpose; I wouldn’t put it past her. She wants to put me in the hospital so her friend can take my place. Believe me, it happens all the fucking time!

She takes off her bra and tosses it on the kitchen table.

Scene 5

The limo continues racing through the empty streets. In the passenger seat, a person hangs on tightly as the limo high-tails it down residential streets.

In the back seat of the limo, two naked bodies flop around unconsciously. The mini refrigerator has opened up. Bottles, cans, and glasses are rolling around on the ground as the driver negotiates yet another rough turn.

Scene 6

Back at the apartment, the woman is now topless and wearing a black G-string. She walks towards the man while holding a drink in one hand. She sits on the guy’s lap and starts grinding.

The man pours coke on the woman’s amazingly fake breasts and snorts a line using a rolled up $100.00 bill as a straw. We see the coke going up the makeshift straw and into the guy’s nose. He leans back onto the sofa revealing his face for the first time. It’s Jesse Pinkman looking up at his hot girlfriend and suddenly very aroused.

JESSE: Yo, let’s fuck!

Scene 7

The limo makes a hard left into an apartment complex, drives to an empty area of the parking lot, and spins a 180. Another hubcap goes flying. Two guys jump out of the limo and run over a grassy knoll, past a volleyball court, and around a swimming pool to a staircase.

Scene 8

In the apartment, Jesse is fucking his girlfriend, Melinda, on the sofa and watching the shark movie out of the corner of his eye.

MELINDA: Baby, you ever think about marriage and having a family?

Jesse stops fucking for a second and eyes her suspiciously.

JESSE: Seriously?

Badger and Skinny Pete suddenly barge in to Jesse’s apartment. Melinda yells and runs into the back room.

JESSE: Yo, bitches, don’t you fucking know how to knock?

BADGER: Get dressed, Jesse! We need your help!

JESSE: What the fuck, over?

BADGER: Get fucking dressed, now! We’ve got a situation! A major-league situation!

SKINNY PETE: (Checking out Jesse’s junk) Dude, seriously, no condom? Come on bro!

Jesse gives Skinny Pete a look, then reluctantly gets dressed.

Read the rest of the episode at


Hillel Groovatti is the author of “Totally Losing Face and Other Stories“. Image courtesy Cali Comics.

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Monkeys Gone Mental

Monkeys Gone Mental by Hillel GroovattiImage Courtesy Braboowi at WikiMedia Commons

Hey, have you heard this: Monkey’s have a sense of fairness. Scientists have discovered that if you teach a monkey to exchange a rock for food, the monkeys can get upset if they aren’t treated fairly. In an experiment conducted by researchers at Emory University in Atlanta, Georgia, USA, two monkeys were given one identical rock each. When the first monkey gave its rock back to a researcher, the monkey was given a cucumber in exchange. Then the researchers decided to play a trick. The second monkey, which was in a cage in full view of the first monkey, was given a grape in exchange for a rock.

Apparently monkeys love grapes. So when the cucumber-receiving monkey saw that its neighbor got a grape, it was very unhappy, so much so that it threw the cucumber back at the researcher as shown in the hilarious video below.

Another group of researchers at Yale figured out how to piss off monkeys in a different way. In this experiment, two researchers were used to give out grapes to a group of monkeys: one researcher gave more grapes than shown, and one gave less. This experiment revealed that if you show monkeys one grape and then give them two grapes, they will be happy. However, if you show them three grapes and give them two, they will be very unhappy and will avoid the tricky researcher if given a choice.

Read the rest at

Hillel Groovatti is the author of “Totally Losing Face and Other Stories”. For more information, please visit

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Dog Haters in Vators


Image Courtesy Max Pixel

was taking my dog to work on dog appreciation day. The upper parking lot was full, so I parked my car in the lower basement parking lot of the large office park that I work in, and then hopped into an empty elevator with my black lab, Coco, on a leash.

An older man got on with me and was immediately disgusted by the presence of my dog. He sneered, then said something under his breath and turned his shoulder to me.

“What’s that,” I said?

The man shot me a sideways glance and said, “Work is no place for a dog!”

“Why not?”

“They’re dirty and disgusting animals.”

“This dog is cleaner than your desk, I guarandamntee it,” I said.

“Look, animals are to be eaten, not befriended,” he said.

“Humans are animals, I guess you eat humans and don’t have any friends, do you?”

“Humans are advanced animals. I’d like to see that dog work a computer,” he said just as the elevator doors opened to the first floor.

As he rushed out of the elevator I yelled at him, “I’d like to see you lick your balls!”

The horde of early morning commuters getting on the elevator gave me the weirdest look.

Dog haters, I loathe ‘em!


Hillel Groovatti is the author of “Totally Losing Face and Other Stories”. For more information, please visit

Posted in animals, comedy, dogs, fiction, flash fiction, humor, short story, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

South Park Fan Fiction: Cartman Chokes a Chicken (Part III)

Slide1And now the exciting conclusion of Cartman Chokes a Chicken!

Read Part I.

Read Part II.

Warning: Strong language and adult situations.

SYNOPSIS: Cartman gets busted trying to kill his neighbor’s rooster while Randy tries to institute a global ban on porn, hilarity ensues.

Special Guest Stars: Towelie, Al Gore, Jenna Jameson, Dr. Phil, Judge Judy, Dr. Joyce Brothers, Perry Mason, Paul Rubens, the Raisins, Terrance & Phillip, Satan, Jesus, and introducing Radcliff the Rooster.

Roll video, start theme music, and begin South Park intro!

Judge Judy comes out of her judge’s chambers and returns with a verdict.

BALIFF: Please rise.

Judge Judy sits down on her thrown and puts on her glasses to read the verdict.

JUDGE JUDY: I’ve heard both of your arguments and I am siding with the accused. All farm animals in residential areas should be kept in check so as not to disturb your neighbors.


Cartman stands up and starts dancing around.

JUDGE JUDY: Thus, I am fining you, Mr. Wippleman owner of the offending rooster, 500 dollars. However, Mr. Cartman, damaging or attempting to damage your neighbor’s property is illegal. So I am assigning you 20 hours of community service.

CARTMAN: (Stops dancing) 20 hours, that’s fucking bullshit!

JUDGE JUDY: 40 hours. Would you like more?

CARTMAN: Shiiii, oot. No!

NEIGHBOR: (Flips off judge Judy as he prepares to leave the courtroom) There is no justice in this world!

JUDGE JUDY: That’ll be 1,000 dollars Mr. Wippleman!

NEIGHBOR: (Under his breath as he’s leaving) You can pry it outta my cold dead hands, cunt!

The boys go up to congratulate Eric.

BUTTERS: Great job defending yourself Eric!

Satan and Jesus approach the boys.

CARTMAN: Thanks for the help Satan, not! And Jesus, real convincing! The least you could have done was dress up a bit, shave, and cut your hair. You look like a freaking hippie!

JESUS: I’m sorry you feel that way my son, I was trying to guide you in the right direction so you could see the light.

CARTMAN: What light? The only light I see is that society is cruel and there is no justice! Some savior you were! And Satan, you can lick my balls!

SATAN: What did you say? You’ll burn for all eternity for that!

CARTMAN: Ha, I’m real scared. Riddle me this old dark one: If I’m dead, how can I burn? I won’t be able to feel a thing. You don’t scare me; you big red donkey!

SATAN: Donkey! I’ll show you how to feel pain!

Satan suddenly grows to enormous proportions. He’s ten times his normal size and has to bend over to avoid hitting his head on the high ceiling of the courtroom. He abruptly drops his drawers revealing two gigantic red balls that fall out and crush Cartman. A plethora a penises pop out in various shapes and sizes. The crowd shakes in fear.

STAN: Look at the manliness of Satan; he’s got like 50 dicks!

KYLE: Dude man, I hope he makes Cartman suck each and every one of them, dry!

BUTTERS: This is going to be great!

Cartman struggles to break free from Satan’s gigantic balls.

SATAN: (In a deep demonic voice) Now lick, lick my balls! Slowly, with feeling!
We return to the same camera angle from the beginning of the story (Scene 1, Part 1): Cartman is being suffocated by Satan’s huge red balls.

CARTMAN: Dude, (Grunting) it smells like cheese down here!

Jesus dawns his matrix sunglasses, grabs the Colorado state flag, twirls it, and then skewers Stan’s twin ball sacks. Large black serpents come streaming out. Satan screams in agony shattering the windows for miles around. In a flash, he disappears, as do the serpents.

Slave stands up in the audience.

SLAVE: Jesus Christ!

Cartman runs over to Jesus.

CARTMAN: Jesus! Thank you, thank you, thank you! How could I have ever doubted you? How could I have turned the other cheek? You really are my savior.

Cartman drops down and kisses Jesus’ feet.

JESUS: Thank you my boy. But don’t think this gets you out of hell duty!

CARTMAN: Hell duty? But Jesus, no! Jesus, you my boy, come on!

JESUS: You can’t talk your way out of this.

CARTMAN: Awwww, come on! Jesus!

JESUS: Nope, you’re on a highway to hell, but there’s still hope for you. You can still get on the path of righteousness, if you try to do good in this world.

CARTMAN: Really, it’s that easy! I’ll try Jesus, I really will try.

The boys gather around.

KYLE: Jesus, great job skewering Satan’s balls!

STAN: Yeah! That was kickass!

BUTTERS: I’ll say, you really dissected his gigantic scrotal sack!

CARTMAN: (Eyeballing Kyle) Jesus, I want to clear something up once and for all. Who killed you?

JESUS: (Patting Cartman’s head) My boy, that is a very intriguing question. To answer it, you must consider three things.

CARTMAN: Lay it on me Jesus.

JESUS: Point number one, do I even exist?

CARTMAN: Of course you exist, what kind of question is that! You’re here right now, we all saw you slay Satan in epic fashion, so what’s next?

JESUS: Are you familiar with Zeus?

CARTMAN: Sure, who isn’t?

JESUS: Say someone like Batman was able to kill Zeus, wouldn’t you worship Batman instead of Zeus?

CARTMAN: Yeah, I guess.

JESUS: Well if the Jews killed me, shouldn’t you be worshipping them?

KYLE: (Grabbing his crotch) Ha, ha, suck it Cartman!

CARTMAN: Jesus, you silly sausage, that’s simply ludicrous! I can’t worship an entire race, especially one that Kyle’s a part of. Come on! Jesus, you gotta give me another option. Come on!

JESUS: Okay, the final thing to consider is who had the most to gain from killing me?

CARTMAN: The Jews?

JESUS: No. Who was ruling Judaea at the time I was reportedly alive? Who has its global headquarters right smack dab in the middle of Rome? And who would gain the most from blaming others?

CARTMAN: This really sounds a lot like the Jews! If not the Jews, then I don’t know, (Pondering hard) who could it be? (Really stumped) Wait, I got it! The Irish!

KYLE: Close lard ass, think soccer and pizza.

CARTMAN: Oh, I got it! Rome is in Italy! Hey, isn’t Bono Italian?

KYLE: No, dumbass, he’s Irish.

CARTMAN: Yeah, yeah, I knew that. I meant Sonny Bono, he’s Italian, right?

STAN: Yep, is that the only Italian person you can name?

BUTTERS: Who’s Sonny Bono?

KYLE: He used to be married to Cher.

BUTTERS: Who’s Cher?

KYLE: She used to be married to Gregg Allman.

BUTTERS: Who’s Gregg Allman?

KYLE: He used to play music with his brothers and Eric Clapton.

BUTTERS: Who’s Eric Clapton.

KYLE: Dude man, just forget it, not important.

CARTMAN: Jesus, are you saying I should worship the Jews and blame the Italians? Or should I continue blaming the Jews and worship the Italians. Or should I blame both of them, but worship batman and pizza? I’m so confused!

JESUS: Son, I’m just trying to get you to use your brain.

STAN: Good luck!

CARTMAN: Jesus, I’ve got one more question. What about you know (makes a jerking motion)?

JESUS: What about what?

CARTMAN: You know, a little jerky, jerky, wanky, wanky, spanky, spanky, where’s that dirty hanky?

JESUS: What? Out with it, I’m not a mind reader!

CARTMAN: You know, beat the bishop, pull the pope, squeeze the cheese, tickle the taco, crank the carrot?

JESUS: What on earth are you on about?

CARTMAN: You know, (whispers) masturbation.

JESUS: Oh, jerking off! Sure, what about it?

CARTMAN: Is it like okay to, you know, to do? Or will you go straight to hell? And will you go blind?

JESUS: What do you think?

Close up of Cartman. The lights dim. Show music begins to play quietly in the background. A spotlight shines on Cartman. He takes center stage wearing a top hat and tails and begins to sing.

Read the exciting conclusion at


Hillel Groovatti is the author of “Totally Losing Face and Other Stories”. For more information, please visit

Posted in comedy, Fan Fiction, fiction, humor, South Park | 2 Comments

South Park Fan Fiction: Cartman Chokes a Chicken (Part II)


Warning: Strong language and adult situations.

Read Part I.

SYNOPSIS: Cartman gets busted trying to kill his neighbor’s rooster while Randy tries to institute a global ban on porn, hilarity ensues.

Special Guest Stars: Towelie, Al Gore, Jenna Jameson, Dr. Phil, Judge Judy, Dr. Joyce Brothers, Perry Mason, Paul Rubens, the Raisins, Terrance & Phillip, Satan, Jesus, and introducing Radcliff the Rooster.

Roll video, start theme music, and begin South Park intro!

Close up of Dr. Phil on stage in front of a large studio audience filming his latest show.

DR. PHIL: Hi folks, do you ever masturbate and wonder about its divine consequences? Do you see yourself burning in hell for all eternity? Well today we will hear from a panel created to discuss the ethereal issues of self-gratification. (Walking towards his seated panel) We have with us here today the benevolent high priest Godsmear (Close up of the priest), Dr. Joyce Brothers, noted sexual therapist (Close up of Dr. Brothers), and Mr. Randy Marsh (Close up of Randy, wearing bandages from the explosion) self imposed evangelical global banner of the porn. And via satellite, we have Jenna Jameson (Close up of Jenna waving on a big screen), noted pornographic star and here to promote her new autobiographical book: Jenna Does It All (Randy tries to avert his eyes from looking at Jena).

DR. PHIL: (Turning to camera 3) Okay, let’s begin. Priest Godsmear, is self-gratification an actual sin?

PRIEST: Well Phil, it never directly refers to masturbation in the bible, but refers to it in other ways.

DR. PHIL: But isn’t that odd since it refers to all different forms of sex including sex with animals. Why did it specifically leave out the chapter on masturbation do you believe?

PRIEST: I cannot answer that, but I suppose it was a taboo subject when the bible was written and people just didn’t talk about it then.

DR. PHIL: They talked about sex with animals, but not masturbation? Fascinating! Now, Dr. Brothers, what is your opinion?

DR. BROTHERS: Well, I believe self-gratification is the most normal thing in the world, and the fact that the bible does not mention it speaks volumes to that fact. We are humans, and humans are sexual creatures, and self-gratification is a normal part of being human.

DR. PHIL: I see. Now Mr. Marsh, why is it that you want to put a global ban on porn?

RANDY: Well, Doc, I uh, had an epiphany one night, I was visited by Satan and he informed me that I was going straight to hell for fornicating, manually.

DR. PHIL: So what is it specifically that eats you about porn?

RANDY: It’s evil. It causes people to masturbate, which–as the good priest just mentioned–is a sin.

DR. PHIL: Well, that point is not clear, yet here you have a noted sex therapist saying it’s a normal thing to do. Would you agree Jenna?

JENNA: Men the world over have been self-gratifying themselves to this (Stands up and shakes her breasts) and this (Shakes her ass) and might I mention that my new book goes on sale next week.

Randy squeals and squirms and abruptly turns his back.

The men in the audience become extremely aroused.

RANDY: Now stop it! I said stop it! Turn her off and shut her up! (Standing up averting his eyes from Jenna).

Jenna disappears from the screen.

STUART McCORMICK: They took Jenna!

GOOBACK: Mock Belleek Jenna!

TOWELIE: Bring back Jenna!

RANDY: (Turning to face the audience) People listen. The porn is the enemy. And people like her, Ms. Jameson, are part of the enemy. Let me tell you a true story. Before we had kids, my wife and I had sex all the time (The audience nods in agreement). But once we had kids, seems we couldn’t find the time to do it (More nodding). So I turned to the porn to relieve myself. My wife even encouraged it, buying me videos and magazine subscriptions, it was our dirty little secret (While Randy speaks we see images of Sharon giving Randy gifts at various Christmases in the past and Randy using the gifts over, and over, as time goes by). But then it dawned on me (A rooster crows). We don’t have time or any privacy to engage in our familial duty any more. And why is that?

STUART McCORMICK: I don’t friggin’ have a clue!

GOOBACK: Porn be seck?

TOWELIE: We want Jenna!

RANDY: I’ll tell you why, there is a very big enemy out there, a huge one! Corporations! Yeah, corporations! They are lock-ing our wives and loved ones away for 8-10 hours a day, usually between the hours of 9am-5pm, which is prime sexy time for me. You just can’t lock our wives away from us 40 hours a week! It’s inhumane!

More audience members nod their heads in agreement.

RANDY: So here’s what I propose, I say each and every company should have one or more rooms set aside specifically for conjugal visits!

A few good men in the audience cheer in agreement.

STUART McCORMICK: They took our wives!

GOOBACK: Smook knives keck be!

TOWELIE: Where the hell is Jenna?

DR. PHIL: Uh, Mr. Marsh, that’s what motels are for, right?

RANDY: Motels? Who needs the hassle? I say open up the sacred corporate halls and let’s get shagging! Are you with me? (A few cheers from the audience) Are you all going to sit here and let the best sexual days of our lives slide on by while our loved ones are locked away in offices the world over? Think of it men, from now on, every time we get the urge, instead of reaching for the old, reliable, evil, bewitching porn; instead, we can barge into the office, the hospital, the grocery store, the TV station…

As Randy streams off a laundry list of jobs, we see a montage of men bursting into their wives’ offices and having sex.

RANDY: …the gym, the police office, the morgue! I say we start demanding conjugal corporate visits! Imagine marching into the office, grabbing our wives by the vaginas, throwing them into the conjugal room, in broad daylight, and making passionate, exotic, patriotic, corporate love in triplicate! Are you with me? (The audience erupts in cheers) So I want every-one listening today to demand that each and every corporation, office, and company create rooms for conjugal visits so we, the men of this great country, can end this porn once and for all and get back to some serious flesh-on-flesh pounding!

The audience goes wild.

Afternoon. Outside Colorado State Courthouse. News 4 roving reporter on screen.

NEWS 4 REPORTER: Hi Tom, I’m standing outside the Colorado State Courthouse not wearing any underwear. I soiled my drawers after eating a chicken Chipotle burrito and forgot to bring my Chipotlaway. In other news, a young South Park child is defending his right to choke his neighbor’s chicken. Raymond Burr is the attorney for the plaintiff. Mr. Burr is seated in a wheelchair and we aren’t exactly sure if he is disabled, or trying to reprise his role as Ironsides, or reprising his role as Perry Mason from the vantage point of a disabled per-son, or just confused and mixing both roles together, Tom, or none of the above. More to follow. Back to you in the studio, Tom.

Inside shot of a nice courtroom, Judge Judy presiding, nice bright carpeting, and pew-like seating. Kyle, Stan, Jimmy, Butters, & Kenny are seated in the front row. Cartman sits alone behind a long wooden table.

Paul Rubens shows up hung over and sits down next to Cart-man, who is all cleaned up and wearing a suit and tie.

CARTMAN: You smell like alcohol?

PAUL RUBENS: Scotch actually, don’t worry, this is a cut and dry case, I can win this with my eyes shut.

CARTMAN: Why haven’t you responded to any of my phone calls or emails? Are you prepared?

PAUL RUBENS: To be honest, I haven’t looked at a thing, but don’t worry, this is pro bono and isn’t costing you a thing. And this case is a cinch to win. Just sit there and look innocent. Before too long I’ll have them all eating out of my hands.

CARTMAN: You better have. I gave up my right to a free lawyer, to have you, a drunk psychologist, represent me. So you better get me off, or there will be hell to pay!

Perry Mason wheels into the courtroom looking stern, game face firmly on.

KYLE: Who’s that?

STAN: Some dude called Perry Mason, the newspaper says he’s never lost a case. Cartman’s screwed!

Cartman’s neighbor approaches the stand, is sworn in, and then sits down looking pissed off.

PAUL RUBENS: (Approaching the stand cockily) You do realize that you have scarred Mr. Cartman for life and he plans to press counter charges once this trial is over?

PERRY MASON: I object your honor, badgering the witness.

JUDGE JUDY: Sustained, Mr. Rubens, please refrain from badgering.

PAUL RUBENS: Okay, let me be a little more direct. (Angrily) My client says that you have been abusing him! Have you?

NEIGHBOR: Me, what? How?

PAUL RUBENS: (Loosening his tie and getting in the neighbor’s face) Don’t play innocent with me.

NEIGHBOR: What are you smoking?

PAUL RUBENS: Have you ever tried to touch this child in any way shape or form?

NEIGHBOR: What? No! Look, he tried to kill my rooster, here’s a picture!

PAUL RUBENS: Let me see that (Ripping the picture out of the neighbor’s hand). Oh, oh, it’s a real chicken. (Suddenly very embarrassed) You have a real chicken!

JUDGE JUDY: Mr. Rubens, what’d you think we were talking about?

PAUL RUBENS: Your honor, I apologize, I did not think my client was speaking literally when he was going on about choking his neighbor’s chicken.

CARTMAN: (Standing up pissed off) It’s a god-damned rooster you imbecile! And that rooster is a menace; he’s been keeping me up all night crowing like a maniac! Your honor, my neighbor’s rooster has been disturbing the peace; I say you throw my neighbor in jail until he learns how to live in civilized society (Pounding the table)!


NEIGHBOR: Your honor, never once did anyone complain about Radcliff the Rooster until now. If Mr. Cartman had a problem he should have come directly to me instead of taking matters into his own hands.

PAUL RUBENS: Your honor, ha, ha, may I approach the bench? (Whispering to the judge) I really blew it here, ha, ha; I thought the kid was choking his neighbor’s chicken if you know what I mean. I prepared the wrong case, ha! So, uh, I’m out of here.

Mr. Rubens abruptly exits the court while the audience mumbles in speculation.

STUART McCORMICK: They took his lawyer!

GOOBACK: May mook mis moymer.

TOWELIE: Where the fuck is Jenna?

JUDGE JUDY: Mr. Cartman, your counsel has decided to quit. We can reschedule to another time or you can attempt to represent yourself in court.

CARTMAN: Fuck yeah! I mean, absolutely your honor!

JUDGE JUDY: Okay, let’s take a ten-minute recess so you can gather your thoughts.

…to continue reading, please visit my site.


Hillel Groovatti is the author of “Totally Losing Face and Other Stories”. For more information, please visit

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