Warning: Strong language and adult situations.
SYNOPSIS: Cartman gets busted trying to kill his neighbor’s rooster while Randy tries to institute a global ban on porn, hilarity ensues.
Special Guest Stars: Towelie, Al Gore, Jenna Jameson, Dr. Phil, Judge Judy, Dr. Joyce Brothers, Perry Mason, Paul Rubens, the Raisins, Terrance & Phillip, Satan, Jesus, and introducing Radcliff the Rooster.
Roll video, start theme music, and begin South Park intro!
Close up of Dr. Phil on stage in front of a large studio audience filming his latest show.
DR. PHIL: Hi folks, do you ever masturbate and wonder about its divine consequences? Do you see yourself burning in hell for all eternity? Well today we will hear from a panel created to discuss the ethereal issues of self-gratification. (Walking towards his seated panel) We have with us here today the benevolent high priest Godsmear (Close up of the priest), Dr. Joyce Brothers, noted sexual therapist (Close up of Dr. Brothers), and Mr. Randy Marsh (Close up of Randy, wearing bandages from the explosion) self imposed evangelical global banner of the porn. And via satellite, we have Jenna Jameson (Close up of Jenna waving on a big screen), noted pornographic star and here to promote her new autobiographical book: Jenna Does It All (Randy tries to avert his eyes from looking at Jena).
DR. PHIL: (Turning to camera 3) Okay, let’s begin. Priest Godsmear, is self-gratification an actual sin?
PRIEST: Well Phil, it never directly refers to masturbation in the bible, but refers to it in other ways.
DR. PHIL: But isn’t that odd since it refers to all different forms of sex including sex with animals. Why did it specifically leave out the chapter on masturbation do you believe?
PRIEST: I cannot answer that, but I suppose it was a taboo subject when the bible was written and people just didn’t talk about it then.
DR. PHIL: They talked about sex with animals, but not masturbation? Fascinating! Now, Dr. Brothers, what is your opinion?
DR. BROTHERS: Well, I believe self-gratification is the most normal thing in the world, and the fact that the bible does not mention it speaks volumes to that fact. We are humans, and humans are sexual creatures, and self-gratification is a normal part of being human.
DR. PHIL: I see. Now Mr. Marsh, why is it that you want to put a global ban on porn?
RANDY: Well, Doc, I uh, had an epiphany one night, I was visited by Satan and he informed me that I was going straight to hell for fornicating, manually.
DR. PHIL: So what is it specifically that eats you about porn?
RANDY: It’s evil. It causes people to masturbate, which–as the good priest just mentioned–is a sin.
DR. PHIL: Well, that point is not clear, yet here you have a noted sex therapist saying it’s a normal thing to do. Would you agree Jenna?
JENNA: Men the world over have been self-gratifying themselves to this (Stands up and shakes her breasts) and this (Shakes her ass) and might I mention that my new book goes on sale next week.
Randy squeals and squirms and abruptly turns his back.
The men in the audience become extremely aroused.
RANDY: Now stop it! I said stop it! Turn her off and shut her up! (Standing up averting his eyes from Jenna).
Jenna disappears from the screen.
STUART McCORMICK: They took Jenna!
GOOBACK: Mock Belleek Jenna!
TOWELIE: Bring back Jenna!
RANDY: (Turning to face the audience) People listen. The porn is the enemy. And people like her, Ms. Jameson, are part of the enemy. Let me tell you a true story. Before we had kids, my wife and I had sex all the time (The audience nods in agreement). But once we had kids, seems we couldn’t find the time to do it (More nodding). So I turned to the porn to relieve myself. My wife even encouraged it, buying me videos and magazine subscriptions, it was our dirty little secret (While Randy speaks we see images of Sharon giving Randy gifts at various Christmases in the past and Randy using the gifts over, and over, as time goes by). But then it dawned on me (A rooster crows). We don’t have time or any privacy to engage in our familial duty any more. And why is that?
STUART McCORMICK: I don’t friggin’ have a clue!
GOOBACK: Porn be seck?
TOWELIE: We want Jenna!
RANDY: I’ll tell you why, there is a very big enemy out there, a huge one! Corporations! Yeah, corporations! They are lock-ing our wives and loved ones away for 8-10 hours a day, usually between the hours of 9am-5pm, which is prime sexy time for me. You just can’t lock our wives away from us 40 hours a week! It’s inhumane!
More audience members nod their heads in agreement.
RANDY: So here’s what I propose, I say each and every company should have one or more rooms set aside specifically for conjugal visits!
A few good men in the audience cheer in agreement.
STUART McCORMICK: They took our wives!
GOOBACK: Smook knives keck be!
TOWELIE: Where the hell is Jenna?
DR. PHIL: Uh, Mr. Marsh, that’s what motels are for, right?
RANDY: Motels? Who needs the hassle? I say open up the sacred corporate halls and let’s get shagging! Are you with me? (A few cheers from the audience) Are you all going to sit here and let the best sexual days of our lives slide on by while our loved ones are locked away in offices the world over? Think of it men, from now on, every time we get the urge, instead of reaching for the old, reliable, evil, bewitching porn; instead, we can barge into the office, the hospital, the grocery store, the TV station…
As Randy streams off a laundry list of jobs, we see a montage of men bursting into their wives’ offices and having sex.
RANDY: …the gym, the police office, the morgue! I say we start demanding conjugal corporate visits! Imagine marching into the office, grabbing our wives by the vaginas, throwing them into the conjugal room, in broad daylight, and making passionate, exotic, patriotic, corporate love in triplicate! Are you with me? (The audience erupts in cheers) So I want every-one listening today to demand that each and every corporation, office, and company create rooms for conjugal visits so we, the men of this great country, can end this porn once and for all and get back to some serious flesh-on-flesh pounding!
The audience goes wild.
Afternoon. Outside Colorado State Courthouse. News 4 roving reporter on screen.
NEWS 4 REPORTER: Hi Tom, I’m standing outside the Colorado State Courthouse not wearing any underwear. I soiled my drawers after eating a chicken Chipotle burrito and forgot to bring my Chipotlaway. In other news, a young South Park child is defending his right to choke his neighbor’s chicken. Raymond Burr is the attorney for the plaintiff. Mr. Burr is seated in a wheelchair and we aren’t exactly sure if he is disabled, or trying to reprise his role as Ironsides, or reprising his role as Perry Mason from the vantage point of a disabled per-son, or just confused and mixing both roles together, Tom, or none of the above. More to follow. Back to you in the studio, Tom.
Inside shot of a nice courtroom, Judge Judy presiding, nice bright carpeting, and pew-like seating. Kyle, Stan, Jimmy, Butters, & Kenny are seated in the front row. Cartman sits alone behind a long wooden table.
Paul Rubens shows up hung over and sits down next to Cart-man, who is all cleaned up and wearing a suit and tie.
CARTMAN: You smell like alcohol?
PAUL RUBENS: Scotch actually, don’t worry, this is a cut and dry case, I can win this with my eyes shut.
CARTMAN: Why haven’t you responded to any of my phone calls or emails? Are you prepared?
PAUL RUBENS: To be honest, I haven’t looked at a thing, but don’t worry, this is pro bono and isn’t costing you a thing. And this case is a cinch to win. Just sit there and look innocent. Before too long I’ll have them all eating out of my hands.
CARTMAN: You better have. I gave up my right to a free lawyer, to have you, a drunk psychologist, represent me. So you better get me off, or there will be hell to pay!
Perry Mason wheels into the courtroom looking stern, game face firmly on.
KYLE: Who’s that?
STAN: Some dude called Perry Mason, the newspaper says he’s never lost a case. Cartman’s screwed!
Cartman’s neighbor approaches the stand, is sworn in, and then sits down looking pissed off.
PAUL RUBENS: (Approaching the stand cockily) You do realize that you have scarred Mr. Cartman for life and he plans to press counter charges once this trial is over?
PERRY MASON: I object your honor, badgering the witness.
JUDGE JUDY: Sustained, Mr. Rubens, please refrain from badgering.
PAUL RUBENS: Okay, let me be a little more direct. (Angrily) My client says that you have been abusing him! Have you?
NEIGHBOR: Me, what? How?
PAUL RUBENS: (Loosening his tie and getting in the neighbor’s face) Don’t play innocent with me.
NEIGHBOR: What are you smoking?
PAUL RUBENS: Have you ever tried to touch this child in any way shape or form?
NEIGHBOR: What? No! Look, he tried to kill my rooster, here’s a picture!
PAUL RUBENS: Let me see that (Ripping the picture out of the neighbor’s hand). Oh, oh, it’s a real chicken. (Suddenly very embarrassed) You have a real chicken!
JUDGE JUDY: Mr. Rubens, what’d you think we were talking about?
PAUL RUBENS: Your honor, I apologize, I did not think my client was speaking literally when he was going on about choking his neighbor’s chicken.
CARTMAN: (Standing up pissed off) It’s a god-damned rooster you imbecile! And that rooster is a menace; he’s been keeping me up all night crowing like a maniac! Your honor, my neighbor’s rooster has been disturbing the peace; I say you throw my neighbor in jail until he learns how to live in civilized society (Pounding the table)!
JUDGE JUDY: Order!
NEIGHBOR: Your honor, never once did anyone complain about Radcliff the Rooster until now. If Mr. Cartman had a problem he should have come directly to me instead of taking matters into his own hands.
PAUL RUBENS: Your honor, ha, ha, may I approach the bench? (Whispering to the judge) I really blew it here, ha, ha; I thought the kid was choking his neighbor’s chicken if you know what I mean. I prepared the wrong case, ha! So, uh, I’m out of here.
Mr. Rubens abruptly exits the court while the audience mumbles in speculation.
STUART McCORMICK: They took his lawyer!
GOOBACK: May mook mis moymer.
TOWELIE: Where the fuck is Jenna?
JUDGE JUDY: Mr. Cartman, your counsel has decided to quit. We can reschedule to another time or you can attempt to represent yourself in court.
CARTMAN: Fuck yeah! I mean, absolutely your honor!
JUDGE JUDY: Okay, let’s take a ten-minute recess so you can gather your thoughts.
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