South Park Fan Fiction: Cartman Chokes a Chicken (Part III)

Slide1And now the exciting conclusion of Cartman Chokes a Chicken!

Read Part I.

Read Part II.

Warning: Strong language and adult situations.

SYNOPSIS: Cartman gets busted trying to kill his neighbor’s rooster while Randy tries to institute a global ban on porn, hilarity ensues.

Special Guest Stars: Towelie, Al Gore, Jenna Jameson, Dr. Phil, Judge Judy, Dr. Joyce Brothers, Perry Mason, Paul Rubens, the Raisins, Terrance & Phillip, Satan, Jesus, and introducing Radcliff the Rooster.

Roll video, start theme music, and begin South Park intro!

Judge Judy comes out of her judge’s chambers and returns with a verdict.

BALIFF: Please rise.

Judge Judy sits down on her thrown and puts on her glasses to read the verdict.

JUDGE JUDY: I’ve heard both of your arguments and I am siding with the accused. All farm animals in residential areas should be kept in check so as not to disturb your neighbors.


Cartman stands up and starts dancing around.

JUDGE JUDY: Thus, I am fining you, Mr. Wippleman owner of the offending rooster, 500 dollars. However, Mr. Cartman, damaging or attempting to damage your neighbor’s property is illegal. So I am assigning you 20 hours of community service.

CARTMAN: (Stops dancing) 20 hours, that’s fucking bullshit!

JUDGE JUDY: 40 hours. Would you like more?

CARTMAN: Shiiii, oot. No!

NEIGHBOR: (Flips off judge Judy as he prepares to leave the courtroom) There is no justice in this world!

JUDGE JUDY: That’ll be 1,000 dollars Mr. Wippleman!

NEIGHBOR: (Under his breath as he’s leaving) You can pry it outta my cold dead hands, cunt!

The boys go up to congratulate Eric.

BUTTERS: Great job defending yourself Eric!

Satan and Jesus approach the boys.

CARTMAN: Thanks for the help Satan, not! And Jesus, real convincing! The least you could have done was dress up a bit, shave, and cut your hair. You look like a freaking hippie!

JESUS: I’m sorry you feel that way my son, I was trying to guide you in the right direction so you could see the light.

CARTMAN: What light? The only light I see is that society is cruel and there is no justice! Some savior you were! And Satan, you can lick my balls!

SATAN: What did you say? You’ll burn for all eternity for that!

CARTMAN: Ha, I’m real scared. Riddle me this old dark one: If I’m dead, how can I burn? I won’t be able to feel a thing. You don’t scare me; you big red donkey!

SATAN: Donkey! I’ll show you how to feel pain!

Satan suddenly grows to enormous proportions. He’s ten times his normal size and has to bend over to avoid hitting his head on the high ceiling of the courtroom. He abruptly drops his drawers revealing two gigantic red balls that fall out and crush Cartman. A plethora a penises pop out in various shapes and sizes. The crowd shakes in fear.

STAN: Look at the manliness of Satan; he’s got like 50 dicks!

KYLE: Dude man, I hope he makes Cartman suck each and every one of them, dry!

BUTTERS: This is going to be great!

Cartman struggles to break free from Satan’s gigantic balls.

SATAN: (In a deep demonic voice) Now lick, lick my balls! Slowly, with feeling!
We return to the same camera angle from the beginning of the story (Scene 1, Part 1): Cartman is being suffocated by Satan’s huge red balls.

CARTMAN: Dude, (Grunting) it smells like cheese down here!

Jesus dawns his matrix sunglasses, grabs the Colorado state flag, twirls it, and then skewers Stan’s twin ball sacks. Large black serpents come streaming out. Satan screams in agony shattering the windows for miles around. In a flash, he disappears, as do the serpents.

Slave stands up in the audience.

SLAVE: Jesus Christ!

Cartman runs over to Jesus.

CARTMAN: Jesus! Thank you, thank you, thank you! How could I have ever doubted you? How could I have turned the other cheek? You really are my savior.

Cartman drops down and kisses Jesus’ feet.

JESUS: Thank you my boy. But don’t think this gets you out of hell duty!

CARTMAN: Hell duty? But Jesus, no! Jesus, you my boy, come on!

JESUS: You can’t talk your way out of this.

CARTMAN: Awwww, come on! Jesus!

JESUS: Nope, you’re on a highway to hell, but there’s still hope for you. You can still get on the path of righteousness, if you try to do good in this world.

CARTMAN: Really, it’s that easy! I’ll try Jesus, I really will try.

The boys gather around.

KYLE: Jesus, great job skewering Satan’s balls!

STAN: Yeah! That was kickass!

BUTTERS: I’ll say, you really dissected his gigantic scrotal sack!

CARTMAN: (Eyeballing Kyle) Jesus, I want to clear something up once and for all. Who killed you?

JESUS: (Patting Cartman’s head) My boy, that is a very intriguing question. To answer it, you must consider three things.

CARTMAN: Lay it on me Jesus.

JESUS: Point number one, do I even exist?

CARTMAN: Of course you exist, what kind of question is that! You’re here right now, we all saw you slay Satan in epic fashion, so what’s next?

JESUS: Are you familiar with Zeus?

CARTMAN: Sure, who isn’t?

JESUS: Say someone like Batman was able to kill Zeus, wouldn’t you worship Batman instead of Zeus?

CARTMAN: Yeah, I guess.

JESUS: Well if the Jews killed me, shouldn’t you be worshipping them?

KYLE: (Grabbing his crotch) Ha, ha, suck it Cartman!

CARTMAN: Jesus, you silly sausage, that’s simply ludicrous! I can’t worship an entire race, especially one that Kyle’s a part of. Come on! Jesus, you gotta give me another option. Come on!

JESUS: Okay, the final thing to consider is who had the most to gain from killing me?

CARTMAN: The Jews?

JESUS: No. Who was ruling Judaea at the time I was reportedly alive? Who has its global headquarters right smack dab in the middle of Rome? And who would gain the most from blaming others?

CARTMAN: This really sounds a lot like the Jews! If not the Jews, then I don’t know, (Pondering hard) who could it be? (Really stumped) Wait, I got it! The Irish!

KYLE: Close lard ass, think soccer and pizza.

CARTMAN: Oh, I got it! Rome is in Italy! Hey, isn’t Bono Italian?

KYLE: No, dumbass, he’s Irish.

CARTMAN: Yeah, yeah, I knew that. I meant Sonny Bono, he’s Italian, right?

STAN: Yep, is that the only Italian person you can name?

BUTTERS: Who’s Sonny Bono?

KYLE: He used to be married to Cher.

BUTTERS: Who’s Cher?

KYLE: She used to be married to Gregg Allman.

BUTTERS: Who’s Gregg Allman?

KYLE: He used to play music with his brothers and Eric Clapton.

BUTTERS: Who’s Eric Clapton.

KYLE: Dude man, just forget it, not important.

CARTMAN: Jesus, are you saying I should worship the Jews and blame the Italians? Or should I continue blaming the Jews and worship the Italians. Or should I blame both of them, but worship batman and pizza? I’m so confused!

JESUS: Son, I’m just trying to get you to use your brain.

STAN: Good luck!

CARTMAN: Jesus, I’ve got one more question. What about you know (makes a jerking motion)?

JESUS: What about what?

CARTMAN: You know, a little jerky, jerky, wanky, wanky, spanky, spanky, where’s that dirty hanky?

JESUS: What? Out with it, I’m not a mind reader!

CARTMAN: You know, beat the bishop, pull the pope, squeeze the cheese, tickle the taco, crank the carrot?

JESUS: What on earth are you on about?

CARTMAN: You know, (whispers) masturbation.

JESUS: Oh, jerking off! Sure, what about it?

CARTMAN: Is it like okay to, you know, to do? Or will you go straight to hell? And will you go blind?

JESUS: What do you think?

Close up of Cartman. The lights dim. Show music begins to play quietly in the background. A spotlight shines on Cartman. He takes center stage wearing a top hat and tails and begins to sing.

Read the exciting conclusion at


Hillel Groovatti is the author of “Totally Losing Face and Other Stories”. For more information, please visit

About Groovatti

Hillel Groovatti is originally from the United States, but has lived abroad for over fifteen years and travelled extensively--visiting over fifty countries. He currently lives and works in China where he is inspired every day with new story ideas. His first book of short fiction, Totally Losing Face and Other Stories, is currently available on in ebook and paperback formats. Stay tuned for his second book coming out in the second half of 2017. For more information, please visit
This entry was posted in comedy, Fan Fiction, fiction, humor, South Park. Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to South Park Fan Fiction: Cartman Chokes a Chicken (Part III)

  1. @amanhimself says:

    This is hilarious! 😀Thank you.

Leave a Reply to @amanhimself Cancel reply

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